Foot in Mouth Disorder

The other day, I got an email from a reader that got me thinking.

And, just as an aside, for anyone who's used the contact form on my sidebar to email me, I want to say thank you so much for writing me! I do apologize if I haven't had the opportunity to get back to you yet. I realized the other day that half of my contact emails were getting sifted into my spam folder. =) Although I might not have time to write each and every one of you back, I do love hearing from you, and like the opportunity to answer some of your questions as best I can.

This particular question came from a lady who graciously agreed to let me post her email in this morning's article:

Hey there, Jasmine,

I really enjoy your blog and all your father's preaching. I have a question that is driving me up the wall. I was not raised Christian, but as one now, I want to live it out 100%, but I have a problem. It's called foot in mouth disorder. Seriously, I cannot go a day without saying something stupid or offensive. I am always hurting people's feelings without meaning to and upsetting people. I really really want to learn to speak thoughtfully, but it seems impossible for me! Do you have any suggestions for a book or something (other than the Good Book) that might help me get started?

To say that I somewhat identify with exactly what this reader is talking about would be a vast understatement. I think we've all experienced that moment right after we've said something ridiculous. Everyone is either turned away, looking at the ceiling or the floor, or turned towards you, mouths open in horror. The awkwardness is enough to make you want to sink into the floor. Throughout the years, my moment came when my sharp tongue got the better of me. I said something that I thought to be witty and charming and ended up hurting someone's feelings instead.

There have been many times (many, many, many, many, many, etc.) times where I have wished that life had a remote control: a rewind button, to take back hasty words I'd said... a fast-forward button, to hurry through the consequences of those hasty words. A pause button, to have time to carefully plan my response so I wouldn't have to think on my toes.

There's one book I can think of, called "Her Husband's Crown," available at Monergism Books, that really helped me in this area; Mrs. Leone had a simple saying to help one decide if what they were thinking was worth saying out loud: "Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?" Those three questions remind me of a few Bible verses that I try to keep in mind when talking to others:

"There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." ~Proverbs 12:18

"When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent." ~Proverbs 10:19

"Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding." ~Proverbs 17:27

"She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." ~Proverbs 31:26

"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." ~James 1:19-20

And let's not forget James 3.

Throughout the years, some very important steps have helped me when communicating with others.

• Listen. This may seem simple enough, but, too many times, when we talk to others, we aren't listening to what they're saying and processing it as much as we're waiting for our chance to talk.
• Think. Again, it might sound simple enough, but many times, our errors occur simply because we don't think before we speak. We rush ahead and say whatever pops into our minds.
• Keep quiet. Here's a revelation: we don't always have to have something to say. Sometimes, it's all right just to be quiet and let someone else do the talking. If we don't trust ourselves to say the right thing, it's best not to say anything at all. If we're not sure if what we're about to say is kind, true, and necessary... it's probably best to keep it to ourselves.
• Apologize. When you do find that you've said something in haste, don't compound the offense by trying to laugh it off, or dig a deeper hole by trying to clean it up. Apologize immediately. A simple, "I'm so sorry. That's not how I meant for that to come out. Please forgive me." Or even a "I'm so sorry. That was completely out of line. Please accept my apology" goes a long way.

Oftentimes, our troubles come simply from talking too much. There may be times when it's best -even for the most talkative of us (*raising my hand sheepishly*) -to hold our tongues. To listen to others. To focus more on saying things that will edify and encourage them than on saying things that will entertain or build us up. If our focus is on loving the brethren, I think we'll find that saying hurtful or offensive things will be less and less common, and, even when we do slip, we'll be able to come and apologize in true humility.

Those are some of my initial reflections on the subject. Perhaps I'm the only other person on earth who's ever struggled with speaking before I think. If that's the case, please disregard this blog post entirely. If, however, you, too, have had a run-in with foot in mouth disorder (and feel free not to give a show of hands =), and have any advice for a sister in Christ struggling with the same vice, please feel free to offer it in the comment section.