Pride Goeth Before... Another Pitfall

Last night, after a very long (but blessed :) conference weekend, a busy (baby filled :) week, and a late (joyful :) night with friends, I was able to unwind and think about "Joyfully Home," and what my next post should be about. 

Whenever people walk up to me and tell say, "Oh, and I read your blog ~great post last night" or "I had a question about something you wrote on your blog..." it makes me... well... nervous about what I write here! :) I realize that every word I say, especially those words to fellow believers, should be an edifying word, an encouraging word, a Christ-exalting word; like many people, I fall short all too often. 

But I've found that, when it comes to writing here, or speaking anywhere else, it's a much easier pill for me to swallow when people challenge something I've said or written than it is for them to agree with it, and to tell me how much they enjoyed it. 

I'll come right out and tell you (if you haven't figured it out already), that I don't take compliments well. When someone tells me, "Oh, you look so pretty in that dress" or "I really like your hair today" I have a horrible tendency of shooting back, "Oh, this dress isn't that pretty" or "My hair's a mess ~you're so kind to like it though." When someone says, "Oh, Jasmine, I'll be reading your blog," I have to (sometimes literally)  bite my tongue, because I want to say, "Oh, you read it, too? I'll never write again." And sometimes, for a while, I don't write, because I'm afraid what I pen simply won't be good enough; and when people think it is "good," I struggle with responding to that. :)

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about pride, and how one of the ways it manifested itself in my life as a tendency to be very clumsy and awkward. Here's another way it manifests itself: 

Whenever I receive any sort of praise, I shrink back (mostly inwardly; I've gotten much better at my outward responses!) and throw my hands up in the air: "Oh, no, not me! You must be talking about somebody else! You wouldn't say anything nice about me if you knew how I struggled to fight my flesh every day! 

It makes me think of something Mary says in Pride & Prejudice: 

Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves; vanity to what we would have others think of us.

I think I'm definitely that prideful person, the one who has quite a high opinion of herself. My high opinion of Jasmine doesn't manifest itself in preening arrogance; it manifests itself in pitiful shrinking; in my mind, I have a picture of who Jasmine ought to be... but who Jasmine is is quite another person altogether. 

My perception of who I ought to be is near-perfect. If the ideal Jasmine walked the earth, she'd walk in the spirit all day every day, never battle the flesh, always do and say the right thing, never experience worries, doubts, or fears... 

And so when someone praises the pitifully flawed Jasmine, my reaction is to shake my head. "Oh, no, no no! I'm not nearly as I should be!" 

This is not humility. If I were truly humble, I would realize that all of my good works are like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6), that, when anyone sees something good or holy or righteous in me, they're seeing the fruit of Christ's atoning sacrifice on the cross, and nothing I myself have done; that when anyone sees the fruit of righteousness in my life, it is because the spotless Lamb of God was righteous and perfect and holy and good enough to lay down his life so that I may be saved. Thank goodness for the spotless Lamb, because I, Jasmine Baucham, cannot be perfect (I'm reminded of Paul's struggle in Romans 7); the only way that I can even be obedient is through the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit. 

If I were truly humble, I'd realize that, even if I was "perfect" in my sense of the word, I'd still be pitifully imperfect in light of Christ's holiness. 

If I were truly humble, I would bow my head in deference, I would thank God Almighty, and I would say, "I'm so glad you've been blessed by what I've written" or "what I've said" or "what I've done... God is so good." I wouldn't dare, in light of His blessing, shrug my shoulders, trying desperately to be nonchalant: "I shall never write again." 

This is so hard for me. In writing this post, I'm almost moved to tears by my own stubbornness in this area; but I just realized something: the perfect perception I have in my head of Jasmine Baucham shouldn't be who I compare myself to; I should be "comparing" myself to Christ (Ephesians 5:1-3), trying to emulate Him, not like a more ideal version of my very sinful self! 

Day by day, I am amazed that pride has so many faces! May we all strive to show Christ-like humility in every area of our lives, even the ones as small as saying "thank you; praise the Lord!" 

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble, there is wisdom. 

~Provers 11:2